BY AMELIA PADGETT
I am but a mere shadow of what I know to be myself. A ghost, if you will. When I have the strength to lift my head and the courage to face “myself” in the mirror, I am left with feelings of confusion and remorse. My once deep, passionate eyes have now become these foreign objects that I struggle to recognize. That similar to a familiar face in a crowded room that you can’t quite place but you feel as if you should know very well. I know we’ve met before… but where? And when? You lose the interest to find out; “they must not have been important enough to remember in the first place” you decide. I’m that unimportant face. These are those forgettable eyes. I hope that if I dissect what I see before me long enough, I may see a shimmer of what was. Just a small glimpse is all that I need to keep going but day after day I fail to see through the haze of doubt. This is the version of myself that I hope to be the most distant from. I’m convinced that the poor girl won’t be saved.
I peel myself away from this mirror to go through the motions of my day: Eat, Work, Insomnia. Eat, Work, Night Terrors. Eat, Work, Sleep Paralysis. It’s not much, but it’s home. As I step through the doors of this new normal, I prepare myself for the mental abuse that you pursue in an attempt to feel in control. You have “fight or flight” syndrome… let’s just say your wings were clipped long ago. I often relive the hours of emptiness, the days my hair would fall out in clumps the size of sewer rats and the weeks I didn’t drink anything with an ABV less than 5%. Sleep was a distant memory and relaxation was a fabricated tale for children under 3. I tried to grasp onto small blips of fleeting happiness but how much longer could I hold on?
Your heart was so dark. It was so dark that it was snuffing out the light of my own. I found myself giving up. There wasn’t a lot of me left but you always needed more. All of the hate you bared on your shoulders was harnessing all of the love I had and destroying it. I’ve seen the inner you and he makes my blood run cold. My skin turns a pale, milky white and I feel my chest cave in. It’s so hard to breath when he looks at me. I saw him once… in a dream… or what I hoped was a dream. He stared straight through my heart and pierced it with fear. I’ll never forget his smile. The never changing smile that haunts me still to this very day. Here comes that tightness in my chest… it’s been awhile, old friend.
To my surprise, I manage to find the ability to live a foggy version of normal day life. I’m not fooling anyone but I am physically there. Most of the time that’s enough. People generally just want to be heard rather than hear so just showing up is enough for them to not snoop around too much. I know how much you don’t approve of anyone knowing about the anguish I go through so I’ll make sure to keep up appearances. No need to raise suspicion. Maintain a low profile. Smile, but not too much. Make conversation, just not with everyone. Come home immediately after. Repeat.
We’re renting our first home. Or as you say, “signing our life away.” This is my feeble attempt to help provide you with the space you claimed would change things. Maybe this will put a pause on the verbal attacks. Maybe I can start to grow. In a world full of maybes, there are a lot of “no”s. I learned this the most painful of ways. You taught me how to stop caring about everything that is important to me. I was shown a part of myself that I never knew existed and I owe it all to you. I had no idea how deep the rabbit hole was until you pushed me down it. I plummeted past the topsy turvy world and landed on a pile of shattered dreams. This is where you left me. You didn’t look to see if I was ok… it didn’t matter if I was or wasn’t. I know that now. My bruises and scrapes would manifest into unwanted reminders of what once was. They will forever plague me and I feel no real escape. Though I carry on, I struggle to stay a float. I continue to feel a weight on my heels dragging me down to the depths from whence I came. All I can do from here is keep my head above water and keep treading. It would be the end of me otherwise. Worst decision I could ever make. I won’t let the viral menace take my breath away. This time, I choose breathing.
