BY JASON GERRY
When this batshitcrazy psyc-op war came flying into the mainland uSA, I was a cannabis farmer in a smoky fat city, otherwise known as Commerce City Colorado. Home of DICKS sporting goods park, Oil refineries, metal yards, quarries, car transfer stations and O yes, Yes plenty of indoor Pot farms, Even though in the late 80s i was cuffed to a cop and had 6 service revolvers pointed at me as a German Shepard was inches away from giving me that nose job I had always wanted, That night in Keene New Hampshire I went to jail for less than 1g of marijuana in a metal 35mm film canister hidden under the passenger seat of my 1985 Saab 900SPG. This day, I was a Legal Cannabis Cultivator.
In 2021 I was now considered an essential employee. All of that is a story in and of itself but what this is about is a Viral Menace.
Some of us with crazy cars had a hall pass when not even the blueberry top baconmobiles were prowling. I had recently acquired the Frankenstein three way bastard child of GM, Subaru and Saab. The 05 Saab 9-2x. A Candy Apple Red Aero with a stage 3 race inspired performance mod. It was a real sleeper. Saab kind of started the tuner craze because you always had to work on them. Subaru really launched it but the WRX STI was kind of plastic, noisy and designed to be tuned & modified by the new owner. Papa GM wanted Saab to have its own dentist tuned version. So the 9-2x was born. Basically a WRX STI under a Saab exterior and comfortable airplane style cockpit…. Well let me tell ya the dentist/ race car driver & pilot I bought it from off Craigslist list had it tuned rather frisky. I called it the Red Saabath. So when Rona caused the lockdown and I had a hall pass along with a few other tuners and risk takers, the proverbial race flag was waved.
One night on I-76 I was cruising to an “alarm at the building” it was 3:40 am, WIFI was not linking to the security cameras, I needed to be there ASAP. This could be real! The Saabaru was in the triple digit zone and a rack of halogen lights caught up rather quickly and we were mirror to mirror! Fkn Tesla, but the odd thing about teslas is, if they are not in the high dollar “Ludacris” mode enabled, they cut out at 140. I noticed the window crack so I cracked mine. I see his red lights as I hit 130, 140, almost 145, there we go no more red lights, all I see is the black car with clear vision ahead. 155.. 160 no more numbers on the dial to read but it’s starting to wrap around to 0’s back side pin and all’s I see is those bright white halogen headlights in my rearview. I blow by my exit…I know there’s a stoplight in about 2 miles so I ease off the petro. He goes electrically by, WHITE BLACK RED… I don’t have regenerative braking. At the 104th Ave light he yells “I got you” … as I chuckled, thinking we both won cuz that shit was fun. I get to the garden and all is good. High Wind or a big Kenworth with a cold start must have rattled the motion sensors. System shows no motion inside. I disarm it and begin to re-arm and screech!!! The popo come in hot, check my credentials, secure the building, holster their service straps, noticeably perturbed that it was just a false alarm, they chirped on out. There have been quite a few thefts in the cannabis community sence Rona came to town. I’m Thankful they are on my side.
My adrenaline is still surging from the false alarm and the fact that it was a really fun, fast ride to the garden. I decided to see if I could find any more trouble before the sun kissed the Rockies. I cruise down I-76 back towards the Highlands and no one was around. As I get onto the I-25 interchange I decide to really get into that corkscrew. It’s a 20 mile an hour corner and then a long swooping ramp onto a nice hill climb pull merging I-25 into the city 6 lanes wide.. I come into the long straightaway before the bridge in the triple digits. The all wheel drive is really chirping the Nokia Z line tires. I come out of the chicane and into the onramp of I 25 and shit, I’m already mirror to mirror with a WRX with a big blue wing. I’ve seen Her before. Awls I know is no matter how fast I went we were mirror2mirror with the new blue gently inching ahead. Two stead’s galloping down the busiest highway in Colorado as if we were at the churchill downs rounding the second bend into the straightaway with an open freshly groomed lane. I was such a lucky jockey. My only wish is that I could have heard the sound of those two 3” strait pipe flat 4’s with large turbos running the gauntlet of I-25 downtown at 7200rpms in fifth gear.
Going under the Pedestrian bridge I could hear the echoes of what it could sound like at my house if there ever was a grandPrix Denver. As we get to Bronco Stadium, I get a little anxious realizing how many cameras there are, and I couldn’t tell how fast I was going because the speedometer stops giving me numbers at 140. The speedo was more Spun than some of the people under the bridges we just flew over. I get off an exit past 6th street and took the alleys home, knowing Federal Boulevard is pretty risky right now after that menacing shit we just pulled. I had pushed my luck further than I’d ever had.
The Viral menace continued for a few more runs of pure adrenaline fueled stupidity. One trip at midnight I went from the highlands to Aspen via 285 up Glenwood canyon, over Vail up to the ville back to Fairplay over Hoosier, Swan Mnt, Loveland and back home. With Only one quick stop to add some 91 and 108 to the beast’s belly.
That trip is a story that may not be safe to print. It was deranged lunacy on a full moon night and Loveland had just gotten repaved. Maybe it’s one left for a chapter book all by itself to be published only after I’m dead. But one part I must allude to is the menacing way that I was able to drive over Independence Pass. I’d had the opportunity to run that road many times and never had the opportunity to have it all to myself. In my crass arrogance near the bottom by the giant roadside boulders, I decided to turn around and do it two more times. With an evil communication and decent driving skill, I twisted the wheel left, matted the accelerator and feathered the E-brake with the release button pushed in. Up has to be much more fun than down, but let me tell you, THAT road is nothing to fool around on. That long steep straight away near the top…. Both hairpins are vicious even in a full drift. Second gear had me suck some of the seat up… That’s the edge that from no one returns…
IF anything good came of this Bat virus, for me getting to drive BATSHITCRAZY was one of them. I’m on an island now and I’ve heard the west side north side Maui has some insane roads… Till then, drive safe. Drive within your comfort zone, and don’t rev yer exhaust leak at me. VVM Viva Viral Menace
The End
