BY MAJOR ROGERS
The host of the Viral Menace woke in its seaside location. It wasn’t enough to enjoy the location and view, so he rose, and grabbed a cup of coffee, and placed it on the balcony rail. He then took a seat and put his feet up in a slightly awkward and uncomfortable position, next to the coffee cup. Once positioned with the big blue background of the rolling sea, he snapped a picture, to capture his “tranquility.” He couldn’t wait to post the shot to his social media accounts, to make it clear to his viewers how good life was in that moment. His life at least—the only life that mattered.
He sat on the balcony, only long enough to take a few sips of the coffee, while he focused on filtering his photo, to make it even more Valhallic. Just off shore, maybe 100 yards from him, a pelican pulled off a high speed nosedive into the water in pursuits of prey. A commanding and powerful soul filling moment to witness nature in full bloom. The Menace missed it though, as he was searching for the hotel WiFi.
Moments later he went for a jog. This was part of his weekly routine. But today he was going to prove it’s part of his lifestyle, as he takes a shirtless smiling selfie, with palm trees and a trendy cafe lined boulevard in the back ground. He #Blessed it, before posting his moment of shallow zen.
His jog would be shorter today, he needed to get back to the hotel for his WiFi connection, as he couldn’t wait to post this gem of an envy shot. He jogged back to his hotel, passing the cafes that formed his selfie backdrop. He had a little more pep in his step, taking pride in his selfie, as a fisherman takes pride in a catch. In passing he didn’t notice the shiny flakey croissants, and juice filled carafes on the outdoor cafe tables, each adorned with bright single flower centerpieces. Or the old couple, who held hands and carried the joy of life in their eyes that young couples in love hold for each other. The only thing he noticed was the attractive woman, who jogged past him, as he turned to get a look at her as she went away. The moment reminded him that he had dinner plans with his newest fiancée.
As soon as they were seated that evening, the Menace slid closer to his date, extended his arm and phone, and took a selfie of their bleached white teeth, and well-groomed hair. As soon as the picture snapped, he retracted his arm, studied the shot, deleted it, and extended his arm again until he was happy with how he looked. The Menace then immediately slid apart from his date, filtered the shot, and captioned it, “Date night with my girl.” He sent it out through his social media, and then stared at his phone for a couple minutes, waiting for the first nibbles of reaffirmation that “likes,” gave him.
Moments later, his dates Menace was awoken when she noticed he had “tagged,” her. She noticed it because she too had been scrolling Facebook the past several minutes. “You brat,” she said to him while giving him a play slap to the arm. “What,” he innocently asks, as he looked up at her. “I look horrible in that shot,” she says, with the same plastic grin she had in the photo. “No, no, you look great,” he says as he looks back at himself in the picture. Suddenly his heart pings as he sees he was “tagged” in something. It was two wine glasses positioned impractically side by side, next to the candle. It was captioned, “Date night with my dream man.” She had just posted it.
The night ends with a picture of the Menaces clinking wine glasses together. They have switched seats for the photo taken by the waiter — they wanted to make sure everyone saw the engagement ring. It hosts a very healthy center stone. One so fine, he is routinely worried that at any time, he may not make enough to cover the payments.
