BY GAYLORD GUENIN
Much concern arose in Lenado as the vernal equinox approached in March. It was discovered that the Sacred Lenado Potato had gone missing. Normally one would not use the phrase “gone missing” to describe an inanimate object, but we don’t view the Lenado Potato as inanimate. If it were just another potato. it would not be considered sacred.
The Sacred Lenado Potato plays a critical role in our annual celebration of the vernal equinox, so its disappearance at this particular time created a great deal of hand-wringing. There was some speculation that it might have taken off after a vehicle that was speeding through Lenado, as the potato has been known to do this sort of thing in the past. There is no evidence that it (we believe it is a “he,” but none of us are certain of that) has ever actually assaulted anyone, but it is quite skilled at hexing unwanted visitors. Irritate the potato and you are apt to develop a nasty and most embarassing skin rash in places where you most definitely do not want to develop a rash.
Over the years the potato has kept such undesirables as developers, right-wing Republican, evangelists, and real estate agents at bay without firing a single shot. Local lore has it that the Sacred Lenado Potato was gifted to the residents of Lenado by Pierre Merkin, the Frenchman credited with being the first non-native to spot one of Woody Creek’s flying dogs. This probably would have been in the late 1800s, a time when potatoes were beginning to be grown in our area, and it is said that Merkin was attempting to develop the French fry, thus he was experimenting with new varieties of potatoes. It is just a guess, but we like to believe that the Lenado Potato came out of those experiments.
THE POTATO HAS KEPT SUCH UNDESIRABLES AS DEVELOPERS, RIGHT-WING REPUBLICANS, EVANGELISTS, AND REAL ESTATE AGENTS AT BAY WITHOUT FIRING A SINGLE SHOT. LOCAL LORE HAS IT THAT THE SACRED LENADO POTATO WAS GIFTED TO RESIDENTS OF LENADO BY PIERRE MERKIN
But now our potato was missing, the spring equinox was approaching, and there was yet another factor looming in the distance. Much like the sun, every eleven years or so. Lenado experiences a reversal of its magnetic field, often producing a group of very cranky residents, as if we were not irritable enough already. It is a situation that makes outsiders even less welcome than normal. This reversal was predicted by scientists at the National Center for Lenado Research using a new computer model, one that indicated that this would be an unusually strong reversal. The Lenado Elders fear that some of our residents may become so agitated they might pack up their bags, head off to the nation’s capital, attempt to find Dick Cheney’s spider hole, and do something they would eventually regret. Or Cheney might do something to them. perhaps some sort of hunting accident that we would all regret.
During our magnetic reversals, the Lenado Potato has had an amazingly soothing and calming effect on the locals, and without him the Elders feared that someone in Lenado might go ballistic. But where in the hell was he (or it)?
Fortunately, CSl: Lenado was filming an upcoming television episode in our little village, so we had an abundance of criminal investigators at our disposal, individuals more than happy to assist in our search. Eventually the Lenado Potato was found sulking in a local mineshaft, in a state of complete depression. He had apparently sunk to such despair as a result of just about everything he had watched unfold since the Supreme Court had seated George W. Bush in the Oval Office.
A sacred potato can tolerate just about anything other than lying. Lie to one and it is likely to go into a deep and dark funk. Our CIA Lenado friends suspect on the basis of their interviews with our Sacred Potato, that the President’s claim after Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans and 1he Gulf coast, that “no one could have anticipated the levees being breached,” was the straw that broke the potato’s back.
As a result of the Sacred Polaco’s despondent state of mind, our spring equinox festival was a somber affair al best. The evening passed with only a modicum of nude dancing and an unusually large number of sober participants. We are all hoping the potato regains some of his joie de vivre before our magnetic reversal occurs, but if he continues to detect lies coming from the current ad-ministration in D.C., it seems unlikely his mood will change.
To paraphrase a common saying: “You can fool some people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can never be fool a Sacred Potato.”
